1.1 The hard-luck and rags-to-riches story

Almost universally, these will begin by claiming to have been poor and to have received a large quantity of some item of value.

Originally the poster claimed to have received money ($50000 according to the original Dave Rhodes spam), but parodies often change this to obtaining something, anything else for basically nothing, for instance:

• Make Monkeys Fast substitutes silverbacks for greenbacks, claiming " In September 1998 the bank foreclosed on my zoo's primate house and the bill collectors were hounding me like a pack of angry gorillas. The only escape I had from the pressures of failure and the two dozen assorted hungry primates in my house was my computer and my modem. In January 1999 my family and I went on a ten day trip to Madagascar, studying lemurs. I bought a brand new Lincoln Navigator with CASH in February 1999, just to shuttle the chimps around. I am currently building a new home on the west coast of Florida, with a private monkey house ..."

• Make Beer Fast claims "My name is Dave Rhodes. In September 1988 my refrigerator was empty and I was god-awful thirsty. But the only thing I had to quench my thirst was a half-empty can of Meister Brau ... This January 1989 my family and I went on a ten-day drinking spree. I bought a Lincoln Town Car and paid with 1200 cases of Guinness. I am currently building a home on the West Coast of Florida, with a private pool (filled with beer), boat slip, and a beautiful view of the bay from my breakfast room table and patio, all out of emptied beer bottles. I will never have to go to the liquor store again..."

• In one one-time offer "A genie appeared. He told me he had come to make me an AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, ONE TIME OFFER! All I had to do was piss people off and for every person who started to hate me a nickel would fall out of my arse" (and presumably, for every person *they* annoy, you get a penny)

• Other variants offer to make cloves fast or make LSD fast.

Some also satirise the rags-to-riches stories by blatant exaggeration, like:

• My name is Rave Dhodes "Until a week ago, I was living on the beach in a shack made entirely from Postum jars, some of which were still half-full of product, which had rotted...the only food I could find for my family to eat was the maggots we picked daily from our open sores--and the winter was coming, which as you may know is a lean time, maggot-wise..."

• "Dear Potential Mark, My name is Lenny Luser. Two years ago, the corporation I worked at for the past twelve years down-sized and my position was eliminated. Since the company was doing pretty well at the time, I think that perhaps my dismissal had something to do with me showing up on the job drunk a few too many times. After unproductive job interviews, I figured human resources people just didn't like to hire someone with a purple mohawk, a criminal record, and a Mötley Crüe tattoo on the forehead. "

or, taken to the opposite extreme:

• My name is Mr. Slambook. "The only escape I had from the pressure of failure was my computer, my modem, a bottle of vodka and Oprah. I longed to turn my advocation into my vocation. This January 1994 my family and I went on a weekend sojourn to Coney Island. I bought a Yugo for CASH in February 1994. I am currently building a tree house on the West Coast of Queens, with an above ground pool, a dog house , and a beautiful view of the driveway from my breakfast room table and patio . I will never have to work again. Today I am rich! I have earned over $400.00 (F-O-R-E H-U-N-D-R-E-D D-O-L-L-E-R-S) to date and will become stinking rich within 4 or 5 decades... I have NEVER failed to earn $5 or more whenever I wanted. "

• or "I am actually making money off it. The new twisted instructions call for the recipient to send out 200 further letters with an Australian 5c coin attached to the front page. I've received 5 letters (thanks for the 25 cents)."

or even allude to or mock the eventual fate of the original Dave Rhodes point-blank, as in:

• Get Arrested Fast "Hi, I'm Dave Rhodes, and I'm in jail. Just six months ago, I was in dire financial straits... Then, I hit upon one of the most amazing schemes for making quick money that I had ever thought of...I took out five post office boxes in different cities and made up four other names so that the first five contribution s all went to me. To say the least, the response was overwhelming..."

• Make Enemies Fast "My name isn't Dave Rhodes, and I am not a retired attorney, but who cares. I invented a new scheme, which guarantees to work all the time. Use it, and you will never have to work anymore during your entire life. In fact, you will have so many enemies, that nobody ever would consider you for any job of any kind for the rest of your life. A few years ago, I had a nice job with a good income. I owned a beautiful house with a swimming pool (for birds) and hot and cold running water . Now I went bankrupt, and was kicked out of my job. Here is the scheme for archieving the same thing..."

or even:

• "Quickly take your two cents worth and send it to the top name on the list. Delete the top name and add your own to the bottom. Send the letter to as many US government site s as possible, including president@whitehouse.gov, dan.quayle@ potatoe.gov and (of course) postmaster@usps.gov. By the miracle of government waste, in no time at all THOUSANDS of postal inspector s, FBI agents and bored meter maids will each be trying to offer you their two cents worth. They may not be polite, but remember that, as a criminal instead of a poor unemployed person, you now have RIGHTS. The results are simply amazing! I live in a Big House now. The government pays for all of my living expenses, which run into several TENS of THOUSANDS of dollars a year. EVERY YEAR! In fact, I'm so rich that I can afford to have a bunch of folks guarding the place around the clock. If I want a slice of bread or a cup of water, they bring it to me without my even having to lift a finger. And the nightlife here is incredible! Bars everywhere! I don't even have to pay a cent for any of it. Many would kill to live like I do now. Many *do* kill to live in a Big House like mine..."

1.2 Various claims to have unsuccesfully tried other schemes

These will usually be envelope stuffing scams (make $3 each stuffing envelopes that companies pay a few cents to have stuffed by machine, send $29.95 for info!), "send $20 for information on how to get rich quick " (the info tells you to run an ad saying "send $20 for information on how to get rich quick...") and the like. Nothing new under the sun.

1.3 Requests to send money or continue the pyramid

Some of these will parody older chain letters asking to be propagated based on superstition or vary this by adding various urban legends such as " Craig Shergold forgot to forward an e-mail titled Join the Crew and was hit with a new FCC modem tax..."

The requests of what to send also tend to be somewhat original:

• One scheme requests "Welcome to the world of borderline prostitution! This little business is a little different than most whorehouse s. Your services are not given for money, but done for the oral sex you will get in return! 1. IMMEDIATELY travel to the homes of the first 5 (five) names listed below starting at number 1 through number 5. When you arrive, simply give them oral sex. 2. REMOVE the name that appears number 1 on the list. Place your name, address and zip code in the number 10 position..."

• Sock It to Me asks "Take all your unmatched socks, place them in a sturdy envelope and mail them to the participant named as the top of the list. Do not break this chain! You've heard of athlete's foot but you've never experienced Professional Athlete's Foot!"

• one variant Make Penis Fast asks the reader to send a certain anatomy part, usually in pieces (ouch!), claiming "you are now in the business of extending penii..."

• or even "bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list. When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 16,377 men - and one of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better than the one you already have. DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN. HAVE FAITH! One woman broke the chain and got her own sonovabitch back. At the time of writing this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men. They buried her yesterday but it took three undertakers 36 hours to get the smile off her face and two days to get her legs together so that they could close the coffin."

1.4 A dubious claim that this is lawful

While the original scams refer to "postal lottery" laws, a "retired lawyer" or selling "reports" and "lists", the parodies are usually a little less subtle:

• One would-be Ponzi claim "By the time you have read the enclosed information and looked over the enclosed program and reports, you should have concluded that such a program, and one that is legal (ahem), could not have been created by an amateur. As a matter of fact, it was created by a PROFESSIONAL con man (no amateur there), and if you think this is legal, I've got a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you. A man named Charles Ponzi cooked up this little baby, decades ago. He sucked up lots of money by bilking the citizens of Boston with his " pyramid" scheme, and when it collapsed (as they always do) lots of people discovered that they basically had flushed their money down the toilet, and Charles Ponzi ended up getting deported -- again. More recently, Albania's economy and civil order collapsed because their leaders concocted a similar scheme, squirreled all the money away overseas, and got out just before the citizens who they had de frauded and impoverished could string them up on light poles like they deserved."

1.5 The list of names or addresses

This may claim that originators always place their own names at every list position, for instance:

• dave.rhodes@make.money.fast
• dave.rhodes@whered.my.net.access.go
• dave.rhodes@this.site.toasted.me.too
• dave.rhodes@send.me.money
• dave.rhodes@goodbye.no.carrier
• dave.rhodes@jail.gov

Another variant is to use fictititious or joke names like:

1. Bob Edam, 125 Velveeta Lane, Fondue Lake, Wisconsin 53409
2. Robert Emmental, 127 Velveeta Lane, Fondue Lake, Wisconsin 53409
3. Rob Caithness, 129 Velveeta Lane, Fondue Lake, Wisconsin 53409
4. D. Wensleydale, 131 Velveeta Lane, Fondue Lake, Wisconsin 53409
5. Ralph Cheddar, 133 Velveeta Lane, Fondue Lake, Wisconsin 53409
6. Frank O. American, 135 Velveeta Lane, Fondue Lake, Wisconsin 53409

or: "Quick, write down these names, and replace the top name with your own.

• Sir 617-555-5555
• Joy 231-122-7451
• Cindy 391-342-6422
• Matt 324-634-7345
• Joe 234-546-2344

Then call all of these numbers. Collect."

1.6 Alleged testimonials

The testimonials are usually as offbeat as the original schemes, for instance:

• MMF hall of horror - Maximize Your Dough - "Yes, you too can be as rich as I am today! Why, just send one granule of flour and one drop of water (and maybe a little sugar, if you're feeling nasty) to each of the 5 people listed below, and in just a few short weeks, you'll be up to your knees in Dough! Can you imagine what 50,000 granules of flour and drops of water looks like on my kitchen table? Well, I can -- AND IT'S A BIG FREAKIN MESS!"

2 Dave Rhodes's fate

Dave Rhodes himself served a ten-year sentence in federal prison as a result of "Make money fast." As a condition of his parole, he wrote his own Web site denouncing "Make Money Fast".

This article is part of the Spamming series.

E-mail spam | Messaging spam | Newsgroup spam | Spamdexing Blog spam | Mobile phone spam

Make money fast | Advance fee fraud | Lottery scam | Phishing

History of spamming

Stopping e-mail abuse | DNSBL

3 See also

• chain letters

4 External Links

• Chain letters
• Make Money Fast Myth Page
• Hall of Humiliation
• US Postal Inspection Service

• Make Tenure Fast - Academic parody.
• The Ponzi Pyramid of Power parody
• MoreMMF parodies

Spamming

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